Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
