how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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