Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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