We named our party play list daddy issues
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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