i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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