You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
