Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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