On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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