he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
