One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
