You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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