I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize