Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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