when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
