Your face is a jimmy john
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
