So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
