my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
