im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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