I faked an abortion last night.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
