y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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