So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
