I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
