He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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