im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
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