I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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