Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
