Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
