Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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