1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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