I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Randomize
