this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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