Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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