i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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