i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize