Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
whose parrot is this?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize