last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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