Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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