I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
