so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
