Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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