He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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