He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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