She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
