I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
