I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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