She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You made out with two different species that night
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
