Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
