Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I cannot find my penis.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
