can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
