I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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