My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
