My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
