i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
