nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
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