i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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