I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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