meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
