I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize